It wasn’t my day. My week. My month. My year. My life. God damn it.
You don’t love me.
You need me.
There’s a difference.
It’s not me who’s not ready.
And sometimes all you can do to save yourself, is just to simple withdraw.
I’ll never not be jealous or insecure. We’re not officially together because you feel as though I’m not ready to be with you. And I don’t think it’s you per say, I think it’s anyone. I don’t know what it feels like anymore to not he jealous, to not be afraid of being left, or cheated on. I dont know what it feels like to not be suspicious. I know there’s a thousand other girls out there who are thinner and prettier and smarter with their shit together far better than I’ll ever have it. I’m so depressed and broken that I don’t know how to just be anymore. Id be absolutely devastated if you left, but I can’t say id be surprised. It’s a lot harder to be with me than it is to walk away from me. I’ll never feel good enough for you, or for anyone else. I’ll never believe I can be loved. I’ll always have a wall up against it. I’ll always be broken down and damaged. Everything in my life is wrong and I don’t know how to make any of it right anymore. I’m so deep into this depression I feel as though I’ll never pull myself out. I’ll just sink deeper. Unsaveable. I’m afraid I’m just a filler for you, a time killer, a confidence booster that you need until you get on your feet where you wanna be. I feel like you won’t put us together because you wanna still keep your options open with a better female comes along for you. That way you’re not actually breaking up with me, cause were not technically together. All I have are fears and sometimes they’re greater than my hope for us, and most of the time I just don’t know what to do or how to handle anything anymore. But I love you, in every way. The best way I know how.
I’m a grenade and at some point I’m going to blow up and I would like to minimize the casualties, okay?